Shamanic Initiation: The dichotomy of intentionality

I should have known that this weekend was going to be significant, I mean I had some idea it would be – but nothing prepared me for what was to unfold. Before you partake in an Ayahuasca ceremony they say it’s important to set your intention and be clear about it. For me, that part was pretty easy. You see, for the past few years I have been on an all consuming journey. What started as chance encounter has become a quest for wholeness within myself. You see, as it happens I am what is known as a twin flame and because of that my life is far from usual. I’m sure at some point I’ll write other articles or perhaps post some YouTube videos about my journey as a whole, but this article is focused around the last experience I had. Anyway, my intention was simple – to be shown the truth about my so called twin flame connection. To be either told to give up or be told it was real and to persevere. And importantly, if it was real, what could I do to get there easier.

This weekend was also the start of a new month, a new season, a new moon and apparently my initiation into shamanism. It also happened to be the birthday of two of the people who attended.

Nothing happens by chance

The weekend was set at a property about 4 hours from Sydney, very secluded and in a very magical location. I gave a ride to one of the other participants, which was great to have someone to talk to on the ride. I found it pretty interesting that after I mentioned my intentions for going, she mentioned that she was involved in a similar situation herself. That she felt she had a twin flame connection. I was naturally quite surprised, but this isn’t the first time this had happened to me either. I seem to meet people connected to my journey all the time.

After going through many gates and connected properties, we finally arrived. It seemed we were early, so that made it easy to settle in before the majority of the others arrived. It was good to talk and connect to the organiser (whom I’ll refer to as Jay), someone I had actually admired for some time due to the work that he does and the level of knowledge he has on these matters. He does not consider himself a shaman, but he has as much experience as one and I couldn’t think of someone I would rather be doing this with if things go tricky.

As I greeted one of the others who arrived they told me that in fact I already knew them. Apparently we met at Confest earlier in the year, something my twin also attended. You see it was pouring down rain and as I headed back to my tent I saw a group of people huddled around under a tarp. I decided to hang out there and that’s when the eye gazing workshop began. One of the people who I eye gazed with was this guy! Out of the 7000 people who went to Confest, I happened to be at a secluded event of 11 people with one of them! Having spent 40 minutes eye gazing him even. I was naturally blown away!

I also found it really interesting that the guy who invited him to attend had similar visions as me, to build technologically enhanced eco villages all over the world to provide a better alternate than society. But yeah, the sign I saw here the most was with my twin – because at the end of the eye gazing workshop I had spoken to the organiser who mentioned that he had a rough twin flame connection that he was never able to unify with.

And so it begins

So the plan was to drink Ayahuasca mixed with Acacia the first night and Syrian Rue mixed with Acacia the second night. I won’t go into the explanation of chemistry here, but suffice to say both plants are required for the tea to be effective and they both produce a similar effect. Jay advised us that the first night the Ayahuasca spirit would be likely the dominant party and to ask who was guiding us if we were curious. He said that the second night, the Acacia spirit would be the one guiding us and that the experiences would be likely very different.

Once we had sat around and all connected, calmed our nerves and relaxed a bit it was time to drink. As usual, for me at least, the Ayahuasca brew was a very bitter and terrible tasting mix. I believe that the more you drink it, the less foul the taste becomes. This could be due to you becoming purer, or perhaps just getting used to it. After a short while, we all went to lay down on our mattresses and waited for the experience to unfold.

Jay had a portable speaker playing music, some of which was very strange and unusual. I found throughout my experience, the music was always just what I needed when I needed it. Anyway, after a while I hear one of the first people to drink throwing up and then immediately afterwards he started to scream!

It was like blood curdling screams, indescribable, something like he was being possessed or something. Repeating over and over “I DON’T GET IT”, “FUCK YOU” e.t.c. Naturally, we were all deeply shaken by what was happening. Imagine being on a roller coaster and you just saw the carriage in front of you fall off the tracks, I mean, you’re next, surely?

Many of the group went to try and help him, as he continued to scream, seemingly oblivious to any external inputs. Eventually they had no choice but to take him outside because there was a real worry that his experience could begin to affect the rest of us. However, even with him outside, it was hard not to hear what was going on.

Fear overwhelmed me, I was panicked that I was going to have an experience that was beyond my ability to cope. I curled into a fetal position, put my fingers into my ears and prepared for oblivion. What happened next was beyond anything I could have imagined possible. I ended up in a space surrounded by the beautiful machine elves, being lovingly comforted and cared for. Seemingly they were doing psychic surgery on me as well. But the whole time I felt safe and comfortable, extremely loved, they were my friends.

I spent the majority of the night with them whilst experiencing things going on around me in the room. Once the first guy had stopped screaming, someone else started, and Jay rushed over to help them as well. Outside of me, everything was falling apart, but within me, it was peaceful and calm. It was remarkable! It took me back to my experiences in Argentina where after I had just been carjacked I proceeded with an Ayahuasca ceremony anyway and had a good experience. I truly believe that whilst set and setting can help, it’s really up to the plants for what you’ll experience. You’ll get what they feel you need regardless of what you want or expect.

I also noticed something pretty amazing happen, though not for the person it was happening to. But one of the participants was purging into a bucket, swaying back and forth and I saw all around the bucket plumes of black smoke. The smoke was also wafting up towards his face, but not “attacking” him. It very much seemed like something he had gotten rid of and it was just leaving him. It was the most remarkable thing I have ever experienced. The person I traveled there with also said she saw the smoke around him, though she described it as gray and not black. I asked Jay the next day if he had ever seen anything like that before and he said he had not. This made me feel as though it was a shamanic initiation. With the world falling apart around me but being ok, and also seeing into someone else’s experience. I had felt called to the shamanic path many times before, but this felt like confirmation of that. At the very least all of this served as an invitation to the shamanic path.

Arcane dichotomy and illusions

The next day when I awoke, the first thing I noticed were two empty beds. One of the missing people was the person I saw black smoke coming out of, and the other was someone else I noticed was struggling (her aura looked very dark when I glanced at her, but I tried to send her love and light when I could). Surprisingly the guy who was screaming had stayed and he even drank the second night. I thought that showed a level of bravery and commitment that I think we all should have. His experience the next night seemed much better as well, in fact the vibes in general were much more calm.

We spent most of the day just chilling and chatting, during this time Jay asked me what my intentions for coming were. I explained my situation and I could see his eyes light up. He explained that this is exactly what’s happening with him at the moment, he told me his story and I was blown away. What are the chances I was drawn to this place at this exact time to be able to hear this? I mean, this guy is someone I look up to and here he is asking me questions about twin flames and I’m explaining some of the process to him. I never expected I’d have anything to offer him, but I believe he left with some knowledge that may assist him on his own journey for sure.

As nightfall approached, I think we were all a little bit apprehensive about drinking a second time – considering what happened the night before. None the less, we all sat around and most of us downed a shot of Syrian Rue. We then chatted for a bit longer waiting for it to take effect before we took the Acacia dose. The Rue for sure took the edge off things, being a natural anti depressant and Jay also burnt some as it’s known to be a protective incense.

It was time, this time I went first, taking a glass of acacia juice which tasted like overly acidic apple juice (well not really, but it’s hard to describe). I asked for a mid-range dose, not being brave enough yet for a massive dose – especially with what had happened the night before. After a while I went to lay down, and within 40 minutes I started my journey.

When it first began, it was almost like the Acacia spirit was introducing itself to me, but without words, just with visions. It appeared to be mostly related to the Australian Aboriginals and symbolism related to that. Things soon took a sharp turn as the visions got faster and more erratic, disorganized and fragmented. I felt like I was being inspected and worked on, it for sure felt like medicine. But also I was weaving in and out of being terrified and being brave and accepting. I knew the path forward was complete surrender, so I tried my best to do just that.

Many of the things I was shown didn’t make any sense, some or most of it felt like a dream. But the guidance felt real and the dialog was very helpful. I continued being ripped apart and put back together, being pulled from one extreme of duality to the other. It honestly seemed like the main lesson here was for me to overcome fear. It even insisted I take another glass, but I refused. I was feeling a little bit dismayed that if I wanted to be a shaman some day, that I needed to be more comfortable with the “unknowns” of journeying. Which is ironic, because for the reasons I went to do the ceremony I was reassured that I was actually ready to be with my twin, or at the very least that I was on track. You don’t need to overcome all of your fears to be with them, you just need to overcome the co-dependency issues and learn to surrender.

After a while the Acacia spirit broke the 4th wall and began communicating with me and I asked if i could tone down things a bit because I felt overwhelmed. Soon enough the visions came to an end and the spirit of Acacia stepped forward and began to talk to me, we spent the next 3 hours having one of the most amazing chats.

Apparently the spirit of Acacia had been watching over and guiding me my whole life! It reminded me of the symbolic things in my life it had done to point that out, like when I moved out of home when I was a kid I moved to Acacia Ridge. It also pointed out that when I was a kid I had planted a wattle tree. I was like, “Wattles aren’t acacia are they?”, he replied “Same thing”. I giggled and said no, really? And this went on a few times. The next day a random conversation between Jay and one of the others confirmed that the wattle was a type of Acacia!

The word dichotomy was mentioned to me over and over and when I looked into it’s meaning further it reflected well on my experience of being torn between the two ends of duality.


noun – a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

The sad part was that unlike the first night, where the visions were of the self transforming machine elves that far beyond convince you that it’s very real. The second night, the visions were almost dream like and of course when Acacia spoke to me, well that could just be my own thoughts, couldn’t it? Though it seems a bit strange to argue with yourself over whether a tree is an Acacia or not. I suspect this was intentional, because this journey requires faith – and to be given everything as clear and obvious would need no faith.

Suffice to say, I was pretty blown away by all of this still. So much was discussed with me, much of it was personal and some of it I can no longer recall either sadly. But I feel so much different, like a weight has been lifted off me. I am also sure of my purpose and path, and who is my twin. I had intended to write him an email, but had been waiting until the right time. The spirits of Ayahuasca and Acacia actually helped me make adjustments to the email I was meant to send him. I’ve no idea how he’ll respond, I’ll find out soon enough. But I feel at peace with what I wrote and with any outcome that may eventuate.

I’m feel this journey of mine has only just begun, but I am unsure of what will be next. I am excited regardless because it seems I am in alignment, and that’s all that matters.

Many thanks to Jay and his team of extraordinary friends for this amazing experience!